Queen of the World Explains Gift Giving

March 20, 2009

The secret to gift giving is knowing something about to whom you are giving a gift. For example, my many admirers know who I am (Queen of the World) and send the appropriate gift. I have, in my time, received Limoges boxes, Faberge eggs, and a diamond encrusted brassiere.

So, which was your favorite?

Hmm? What was that, Jester?

Your favorite. If you’ve gotten that many, you must have at least one favorite.

Well, I’ve received a variety of lovely and lavish gifts. Although I didn’t enjoy Munch’s “The Scream” that much.

Uh wasn’t that stolen?

A complete misunderstanding. My admirer became overzealous in his gift giving and I spoke to him sharply about it. I did send the painting back with an apology, though.

Uh huh. You still haven’t answered the question.

Which question was that, dear?

Which of the many gifts you’ve received is your favorite?

Oh, that question. Well, if you must know, it was a gift from the Prince Consort.

Prince Consort? Did you demote him?

He’s always been the Prince Consort. The world can only handle one supreme ruler at a time. Now please try to keep up with the conversation.


As I was saying, my favorite gift was given by my dear Prince.

Which would be?

A toaster.

A what?

A toaster. You must have seen one before.

I know what a toaster is. But the bigger question is do you know what it is?

Of course I do.

Then what is it?

At the moment, it’s a lovely paperweight.

Of course it is. You do realize that it’s meant to be used in the kitchen to create, are you sitting down for this?, actual toast.

Don’t be silly, Jester. You know I don’t cook.

That is all.


Jester Explains Failings

March 17, 2009

*a soft snore comes through the room*

*looks around in a surreptitious manner then coughs slightly.*

I don’t have much time before Her Majesty wakes up so I have to make this quick. Here’s the thing, people, about the Queen of the Worldtm: she’s not as perfect as she may seem.

Sure she can tell which fork to eat with the pudding, decorate a cake with leftovers, and do four other impossible things before breakfast. But she has failings which she does not want you to know about. Namely, she’s rather picky.

I know! I was shocked, too, when I realized that not any brand of coffee would do. She had to have Folger’s Black Silk. No off brand shoes for her either. She would rather go without than wear a cheap pair of walking shoes. (She prefers New Balance, by the way, in case you were wondering what to get Her Majesty for her birthday). And forget giving her cheap jewelry. 24kt gold or platinum works best. Although, and don’t let her know this please, I know that several of her pieces are plated rather than pure. What shedoesn’t know won’t hurt her. Or my PayPal account.

The point is perfectionism is overrated. We all have small flaws that make us seem more real. Right?

*snort, cough…Is that you, Jester?*

And that’s my cue to get going. Until next time!

Queen of the World Declares Elbows Must Go

March 16, 2009

If I were Queen of the World tm, I would make a few changes around the place. First thing to be changed is table manners. Not everyone has them and they should. I’m not talking about how to eat a 10 course dinner with 25 gazillion silverware pieces and knowing exactly which fork to use with which dish (although that would be nice).

I’m talking about elbows on the table.

Stop it people. It’s just rude.

Although elbows on the table are seen constantly in highest fashionable circles, a whole table’s length of elbows planted like clothes-line poles and hands waving glasses or forks about in between, is neither an attractive nor (fortunately) an accurate picture of a fashionable dinner table. As a matter of fact, the tolerated elbow-on-table is used only on occasion and for a reason, and should neither be permitted to children nor practised in their presence.

Elbows are universally seen on tables in restaurants, especially when people are lunching or dining at a small table of two or four, and it is impossible to make oneself heard above the music by one’s table companions, and at the same time not be heard at other tables nearby, without leaning far forward. And in leaning forward, a woman’s figure makes a more graceful outline supported on her elbows than doubled forward over her hands in her lap as though in pain! At home, when there is no reason for leaning across the table, there is no reason for elbows. And at a dinner of ceremony, elbows on the table are rarely seen, except at the ends of the table, where again one has to lean forward in order to talk to a companion at a distance across the table corner.

Elbows are never put on the table while one is eating. To sit with the left elbow propped on the table while eating with the right hand (unless one is alone and ill), or to prop the right one on the table while lifting the fork or glass to the mouth, must be avoided.
from Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home by Emily Post (1922)

That is all.